Why Putin really cried

When Vladimir Putin was appointed dictator for life re-elected as President on 4 March 2012, he had tears in his eyes when he appeared in front of government employees who had been ordered to attend jubilant voters.

But what did Russia’s strong man really cry about?

Thanks to the investigative reporting by my undercover comrades in Russia, I can exclusively reveal the following reasons:

"I wish my friends Flippy and Floppy could be here tonight to celebrate with me. I miss them."

"If I was President of the USA, I would get a BlackBerry. What a stupid country is this here?"

"I will have to make a tough decision about what to do with my friend here."

"Thank God I still know how to use this."

"Or I will have to take him to a hunting trip."

"Or maybe I will send him to the same place as Mikhail. They can continue their musings about rule of law there."

"I am so sick of the daily commute to the Kremlin."

"Damn. It still hurts from that time the other guy hit me in the *****."

"Other dictators at least get to kiss babies."

"Seven more years with the same wife."

If I get hit by a truck, shot by a sniper or killed by a parcel bomb in the next weeks, it will probably have been the FSB. Do svidanya.