Who Kills all the Old People?

I usually dismiss all conspiracy theories. I don’t believe in large groups of people getting together and controlling everything else, with nobody – except some blogger in his pyjamas – finding out about it. As someone who subscribes to the theory of methodological individualism, I generally have a hard time believing any explanation that pretends to explain a certain action without saying who the actor is or with what methods a goal is achieved. After trying to reason with conspiracy theorists, I discovered that humor is the only way to deal with them.

But now even I think that something fishy is going on. I don’t know who is behind it. I don’t even know why. But it’s obvious that something abnormal is going on; something dangerous. This can’t be coincidence:

On 17 June 2015, Jealean Talley died in Michigan. Only two months before, on 6 April 2015, she had become the oldest living person. On that day, Gertrude Weaver, who had been the oldest living person until then, died in Arkansas. She had only attained that title 5 days before, on 1 April 2015. By now, it won’t surprise you that it was another “accident” which gained her that dubious title: Misao Okawa, who had until then been the oldest living person, had died in Japan on that day.

Within only three months, three people became the oldest living person and all three of them died. This is shocking enough. But it gets worse: it turns out that in the past decades, whoever was the oldest living person would die within a few years, often only a few months, after attaining that title. Statistically, this is the most dangerous of all the world records. I went through the data, but none of the other world record holders, be it smallest person, largest person, heaviest person, fastest person and so on, faces the same certainty of death as the oldest living person.

There must be some conspiracy, but I haven’t got the slightest clue yet as to who could be behind it.

I hope she won’t read this, but if this pattern continues, I am fairly certain that Susannah Mushatt Jones will be the next oldest living person to get killed in this abhorrent streak of violence.

“Is this a death certificate?”

About Andreas Moser

Travelling the world and writing about it. I have degrees in law and philosophy, but I'd much rather be a journalist, a spy or a hobo.
This entry was posted in Death, Life, Statistics, Time and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to Who Kills all the Old People?

  1. Mal Ta says:

    guess what darlin’. the youngest person on earth is usually stripped of the title half a second after he or she gets it!

    • I couldn’t find the official records for youngest person on earth, so your claim cannot be verified. Please let’s not start with speculations! This subject is too serious.

      • Mal Ta says:

        i have proof that it exists! when i was born the nurse told me “you’re the youngest person on earth!”. since i had some water in my ears I didn’t understand well. “Come again Mam”, i asked. “Doesn’t matter now, hon” the nurse answered.

        N.B. – i’m enjoying copying and pasting from fb! :) r u?

  2. CLKeyes says:

    Astonishing, will you get movie rights?

  3. I think you missed your calling as a comedian.

    Sent from my iPhone

  4. Love it! Who would think about this except you?

  5. Well thought and nicely written!

  6. This is so interesting. I love reading stuff like this when you would not think of looking this up or had not heard of it. Someone else gives you amazing insight in a nutshell. I enjoy odd news like this.

  7. List of X says:

    I do see some serious foul play here, but I’m sure you are somehow involved in it. Otherwise, how would you explain that in a post written in 2013 (judging by the comments) you talk about people dying in 2015 with and naming exact dates???

  8. My friend, say not so.
    I think – nay, I know
    There is yet more to come.
    Thou’rt not yet struck dumb.

  9. D-PAK says:

    Interesting though this article is, it says nothing about WHERE these people died.I am reliably informed that a lot of old people die on bowling greens. Indeed more generally, more people, on average, die while outdoor bowling than engaged in any other sporting or quasi-sporting activity. Statistics (which admittedly I do not have readily to hand) suggest that one is more likely to die whilst outdoor bowling than motor-racing!

    I had previously been of the opinion that this was indicative of some inherent, yet hitherto undiscovered, danger attendant to the act of outdoor bowling. However given the fact that a statistically large number of outdoor bowlers tend to be towards the upper end of the chronological scale, could it be that this apparently aberrant statistic is in some way related to the conspiracy to eliminate old people that you have so courageously identified?

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