Who Kills all the Old People?

I usually dismiss all conspiracy theories. I don’t believe in large groups of people getting together and controlling everything else and nobody, except some blogger in his pyjamas, finding out about it. As a methodological individualist, I generally have a hard time believing any explanation that pretends to explain a certain action without saying who the actor is. After trying to reason with conspiracy theorists, I discovered that humour is the only way to deal with them.

But now I think that something fishy is going on. I don’t know who is behind it. I don’t even know why. It’s obvious that something abnormal is going on; something dangerous. This can’t be coincidence.

On 12 June 2013, Jiroemun Kamura died in Japan. Only half a year before, on 17 December 2012, he had become the oldest living person. On that day, Dina Manfredini, who had been the oldest living person until then, died in Iowa. She had only attained that title 13 days before, on 4 December 2012. By now, it won’t surprise you that it was another “accident” which gained her that dubious title: Besse Cooper, who had until then been the oldest living person, had died on that day.

Within only half a year, three people became the oldest living person and all three of them died. This is shocking enough. But it gets worse: it turns out that in the past decades, whoever was the oldest living person would die within a few years, often only a few months, after attaining that title. Statistically, this is the most dangerous of all the world records. I went through the data, but none of the other world record holders, be it smallest person, largest person, heaviest person, fastest person and so on, faces the same certainty of death as the oldest living person.

Misao Okawa

“Noooo, this certificate is cursed.”

There must be some conspiracy, but I haven’t got the slightest clue yet as to who could be behind it.

I hope she won’t read this, but if this pattern continues, I am fairly certain that Misao Okawa will be the next oldest living person to get killed in this abhorrent streak of violence.

About Andreas Moser

Travelling the world and writing about it. I have degrees in law and philosophy, but I'd much rather be a journalist, a spy or a hobo.
This entry was posted in Death, Life, Statistics, Time and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Who Kills all the Old People?

  1. Mal Ta says:

    guess what darlin’. the youngest person on earth is usually stripped of the title half a second after he or she gets it!

    • I couldn’t find the official records for youngest person on earth, so your claim cannot be verified. Please let’s not start with speculations! This subject is too serious.

      • Mal Ta says:

        i have proof that it exists! when i was born the nurse told me “you’re the youngest person on earth!”. since i had some water in my ears I didn’t understand well. “Come again Mam”, i asked. “Doesn’t matter now, hon” the nurse answered.

        N.B. – i’m enjoying copying and pasting from fb! :) r u?

  2. CLKeyes says:

    Astonishing, will you get movie rights?

  3. I think you missed your calling as a comedian.

    Sent from my iPhone

    • I am glad somebody spotted my talent. At 37, it’s not too late to change careers, especially as I am not really pursuing any career at the moment anyway.

  4. Love it! Who would think about this except you?

  5. Well thought and nicely written!

  6. This is so interesting. I love reading stuff like this when you would not think of looking this up or had not heard of it. Someone else gives you amazing insight in a nutshell. I enjoy odd news like this.

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